Have you ever given a cat a bath? Hopefully if you do own a cat, and you decide to bathe her, it is only once…ever. Keeping this in mind, I’d like to flash us back to the worst day in the history of the world. This day surpasses the worst imaginable moments in history- and it happened two years ago in the small cramped office of my cat’s veterinarian.
“You need to bathe her at least twice a month.” These horrendous, gut-wrenching, dreaded words were directed at me. My precious little she-devil was diagnosed with a skin condition, so on top of medication and monthly vet checkups, I had to bathe her. Myself.
The vet dropped her eyes to the sadistic cat in the crate at my feet, then gave me a pitiful smile. “Good luck.”
That moment changed my life forever. People laugh when I tell them, but they just don’t get it.
I’ve survived the Marine Corps, my parents’ divorce, my own divorce, and even falling off a cliff and almost drowning; I’ve endured being trampled by a horse, the affects of being bitten by a venomous snake, and getting stabbed by a broad sword. Nothing compares to attempting to get my little baby Ophelia wet.
My worst attempt at bathing Ophelia was in the beginning stages of learning how to bathe a cat. I thought it would be a wonderful idea to just take her into the shower with me. Twenty stitches, a hefty doctor bill, and the really awkward question of “You got scratched where?” taught me to avoid being near Ophelia when it was bath time. Unfortunately that didn’t work out too well since I was the one who has to bathe her.
She turns into freaking Houdini when it is bath time. It has gotten to the point where I literally have to just throw her into a tub full of soapy water and run away as fast as I can while praying for the best. Unfortunately this method (which I’d like to point out is the best method I have found) only works 1% of the time. I swear to God, I think Ophelia can teleport. Somehow mid-throw, she vanishes in midair and reappears in my hallway as dry as the Sahara Desert during a drought.
She even has this prissy, haughty look she gives me, full of contempt and disgust whenever I fail at getting her into the tub the first toss; and trust me, if I don’t make it that first toss, I’m screwed. Once the cat is out of the bag (no pun intended) I have to resort to putting on my hockey gear just to get near her without fear of a serious mauling.
If she could talk, I’m pretty sure she’d be laughing at me every time I try. I think she turned it into a game. How to Screw Up Monica’s Life during Bath Time, available in all local Superstores. The expansion pack is coming out next month, which includes limited edition Hello Kitty Band-Aids.
On another note, I have a cat for sale… and when I say sale, I mean I will give you money to take her.
Please, save me.